The Art of Falling Apart
by ANNAinDreamland
Summary: Konan can't even remember when this all started and now she doesn't even really care anymore. Or does she? Implications of drug use, alcohol use, cutting, sexual content, yaoi, and more.


**A/N- Okay, not much to say. Um, well, I wasn't sure if I should rate this as T or M. It's not really bad, it's just implications of everything bad. It's more like in between T and M. But I wanted M to be safe.**

**

* * *

**

Sparking a match, I lit another cigarette. I held it in my mouth for a second and blow smoke through the air, causing it to drift upwards to the cracked ceiling. Everything looked slurred and deformed slightly.

Dully, I glanced around the room again, my back propped up against one arm of the old big chair and my feet off the other end. The room was dark, with only one light bulb, and smelled constantly of smoke from cigarettes and drugs. The only window was closed and had a dark colored curtain over. A small love seat stood in front of me, a small TV in the middle of us, Deidara and Sasori in it.

Deidara laughed suddenly and I assumed briefly that it was the TV that caused the blond to laugh. I was busy drifting off from the cocaine rather than watching TV to know for sure.

Kakuzu was busy counting whatever money he made from the drugs on the table in the back corner.

"Hey Konan!"

I looked back over at Kakuzu as he stared at me. A hoodie covered the majority of his face but I could still tell he looked down and back up again.

"What?" I asked, disinterestedly.

"You owe $20 for the cocaine I've sold to you. Pay it all up soon or go somewhere else."

I stared at him with black eyeliner coated, half lidded eyes.

"Whatever."

_'He's too fucked up on money, anyway.' _

I turned back to look at the wall and Deidara caught my eye with his one showing blue eye, grinning at me. I just looked at him and Sasori. While Deidara had his feet propped on coffee table, a pale Sasori was unconscious, resting his head in the blond's chest. Deidara's right arm was wrapped around Sasori protectively while the red head was spread out on the love seat, one of his long sleeved arms hanging off of it.

A needle sat next to a can of beer on the table, empty and used. The drink was probably Deidara's but the needle was not doubts Sasori's, once filled with whatever drug he stuck himself with.

Considering how out Sasori has been, I decided I needed to buy that one time, whatever it was.

I took another draft of the cigarette and turned back to the wall, drifting off; not sleeping, not thinking, just nothing.

Sometime afterward, a door opened and I turned around to see who it was. A silver haired guy walked out of a room with a grin on his face and shortly after, a girl walked out, straightening her shirt.

She was very pretty, with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She wasn't the glamorous type like movie stars but the actual type of beauty that every female secretly thrives for. She smiled shyly up to Hidan who smirked at her.

"I'll talk to you later Hidan," She told him, blushing, before kissing him on the check.

"Later."

The girl walked away, looking happy and I watched her as she left through the front door.

_'Stupid idiot, doesn't even realize she just shagged a guy who isn't going to look at her again. Probably gave him her virginity, too, and she could have done better.' _

Glancing across from me, I saw Deidara had fallen asleep, his head on the arm of the couch and Sasori was still out, resting on him. Deidara's arm was still around him and the cuteness was almost unbearable.

I stuffed my hands in my jacket pocket, searching for something and when I didn't find it, I searched my skirt's pockets.

Hidan turned to the large table in the middle of the room.

"So, Kisame, game of cards?" Hidan asked. I turned my head sharply, still searching my pockets, to look at the table, not realizing anyone was there.

Sure enough, a navy blue haired man sat at the table, feet supported on another chair. I raised an eye as a small strand of my own blue hair fell into my eyes. The colors of our hair almost looked the same in the lighting.

"Poker, I'm guessing?" Kisame replied, grinning. He lowered his feet and Hidan sat across him. Kakuzu lifted his head from the table in the corner.

"Hidan, you better not lose," He growled. "You owe me $100 and you better pay it up soon."

"Fuck yourself, asshole!" The silver haired man yelled. "I'll pay you when I goddamn feel like it and I'm not going to pay you with whatever shit I win!"

"You will or you can go buy your stuff somewhere else!"

I rolled my eyes at their stupidity, starting to shuffle around in my bag, searching still. Sometimes, I really wondered if they were friends or not.

"Konan! Turn of the damned TV if Deidara isn't watching it! It's making the electricity bill too high!" Kakuzu told me.

_'A dollar is too high for you, jack ass.' _

I dropped my bag and grabbed the remote on the table, shutting it off.

"Konan-san, I didn't realize you were awake," Kisame said. I glanced at him, seeing him grinning to me, before picking up my bag, searching the front pockets.

"Where's Itachi?" I questioned, dully. The two were surprisingly best friends and if one was around here, usually the other was.

Kisame frowned and stared at me with black eyes. I just looked back, waiting for the answer.

"He didn't say, he had to go somewhere. Said he might drop by if he can."

"Hn."

I pulled out a small bag with a white substance in it; the cocaine I bought earlier. I guess some people would say I have an addiction to it. And maybe I do. I can't even remember a time when I didn't use it.

Soon, everything became fuzy, blank, then black.

**

* * *

**

I woke up with a startle at somebody laughing and jerked up. Somewhere, the stereo was playing, which meant Kakuzu finally lifted the stick out of his ass and let music play. Everything was still blurry and slightly a slur but it was better.

I went to rub my eyes before I remembered all the eyeliner on it. Even touching my eyelid would smear it all horribly.

"Konan, nice to see you conscious. I was worried for a bit, un," I heard Deidara's teasing voice and turned to see him wide awake and grinning at me. Rock music blared while he did so. Sasori, too, was awake and lifted his head from a notebook, pencil in hand, brown eyes staring blankly at me. He returned to whatever he was doing.

I noticed that Deidara's arm was still around Sasori but there was never a day it wasn't.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, closing my eyes, tightly.

"Dunno," The blond, replied.

"What time is it?" I called out to the others in the room. A new song started playing, a softer one and someone immediately changed it.

"9:47," Kisame responded back to me. I smoothed my blue hair down, ignoring the large flower clip in it.

_'That early? I was expecting later in the night.' _

"Hey, Konan," Deidara said to me. I looked at him. He winked. "Pein hasn't stopped by. You and me can have some fun without him knowing."

I just gave him a deadpan stare as Sasori turned his head to give a glare with unadulterated hate at the half ponytailed haired man.

Deidara always asked me this when Pein hadn't come by or hadn't come by yet. It always made me wonder if that was all I was. Some toy.

"Fuck yourself," I muttered under my breath, giving him the same reply as every time he asked. Deidara laughed while Sasori smirked at him.

"Guess she's not into gays, brat." Deidara frowned at the red haired bed head.

"Danna, you know I'm not gay," He countered. I watched, feeling nothing, as the blond pulled himself into Sasori's lap, making the one lay down his notebook. Legs on either side of the shorter male, Deidara tilted Sasori's head up and kissed him strongly on the lips. Sasori obviously returned, pulling him closer with his arms around the blond's waist. Deidara broke the kiss after a bit and smirked. "I'm bi."

Deidara leaned in again.

"Both of you, knock it off!" Kakuzu yelled, at the large table. Kisame, Hidan, and Kakuzu were all playing poker now. If there was anybody winning, it had to be Kakuzu. He wouldn't let himself lose. "You're creeping the hell out of me still. Get a room at least."

"Kakuzu, you're just jealous we have each other to screw!" Deidara replied, laughing. Sasori rolled his eyes. "While you have no one!"

"He has you there!" Hidan laughed and Kisame chuckled.

I couldn't understand why Kakuzu was bothered by them. Hadn't Sasori and Deidara always been like this? How long has it been since they first got together? Years? Months? It wasn't weeks, was it? It's felt like forever.

I pulled out the bag in my pocket, touching the white substance, lifting it in my hands.

I started staring at the wall again, while everyone else talked, watching everything change. It was a habit of mine, really. I liked it; I could just focus on nothing and ignore everything.

Everything.

**

* * *

**

"Konan!" A voice spoke lowly, something shaking my shoulder and drowsiness.

"What!" I hissed before turning and seeing something blurry. "Sorry."

I said this the moment I recognized the spiky orange hair. Pein. Everything else was blurry, but I could see that.

"Let's talk."

I couldn't walk straight through the living room so Pein led me off to a hallway and pulled me to a side room.

I stumbled in, tripping over something, and my hands fell into something soft. Blankets, which meant a bed.

A strong hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, pushing me into the bed. I closed my eyes as lips smashed against mine.

_"Let's talk." _

That was always Pein's way of saying "Let's get a room".

Hands gripped my hair as Pein shoved closer to me, tongue darting into my mouth. I just laid still, the orange haired guy on top of me.

"Konan," Pein growled. I started kissing back, tightening my eyes, knowing he wanted that.

I felt my jacket remove and I went into autodrive, imagining I was somewhere else. Anywhere else. But I couldn't; all I could do was imagine myself in blackness. A deep sleep, just sleeping.

I didn't i want /i this, to say, truthfully I didn't, but it had been going on for so long, it didn't matter. It was always like this when Pein was here, always. I really couldn't remember a time this wasn't going on. I couldn't even remember the first time this happened.

Pein's hands on me, lips on mine, him inside of me. For so long it was going on. It didn't matter if I didn't want it. It didn't even matter to me.

**

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**

Sometime afterward, I went home. An infant was crying somewhere in the house, my younger sibling, when I opened the door. I slipped in and eased the door shut, walking silently to the stairs.

Wincing a bit, I limped up the stairs, a grip firmly on the railing.

"Konan! Do you know what time it is?" A woman yelled. I twisted slowly and looked down to my mother. She was holding Kai in her arms, patting his back. I gave her a dull stare.

"Well?" I asked.

"It's 12:52! IN THE MORNING!" She screamed. "I WAS WORRIED SICK!"

I flinced as the baby started screaming with her. She started hushing him and I started up the stairs, again.

"Konan! Come here now!"

I ignored her, she was a bitch anyway. Always yelling, always trying to shut the brat up. I wished she would just shut up.

I reached the shower after I had grabbed clean clothes. Turning it on and hearing the water pour down, I spun to the mirror, needing a washcloth.

Dead, cold, unfeeling blue eyes stared back at me. Dark lines circled around them, not all from eyeliner. I hated those eyes of mine. The ones that proved I felt nothing, the ones that made me feel inhuman. No, dead, unliving.

Panic rose inside of me, making me feel worse. I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't want to have that feeling. I started tearing into the medicine cabinet for something sharp as heat made the mirror fog.

Blood streamed down the flowing water, proving I felt something else. Pain.

**

* * *

**

I was there the next day, in my same chair. The only difference was that this time Itachi was here and Hidan didn't have a girl over.

Me?

I was fading in and out of consciousness, due to the drugs I used up. I couldn't remember much what happened the night before but cuts lined my arms. I couldn't remember how the got there but a blade in my room told me it was me who did it.

My right arm, holding a can of beer, hung off the arm of the chair, along with my head. My legs hung off the other side as my free arm gripped a cigarette-like substance.

"Konan-san?" A concerned voice asked. Almost trance-like, I looked over to Kisame's slurred figure, my eyes struggling to stay open. "Are you alright? You keep wincing every time you move your arms."

I shrugged.

"I'm fine," I slurred, slightly.

Deidara's laugh rang throughout the room. I glanced over to the blonde, Sasori's and Deidara's arms wrapped around each other's waist. Deidara grinned to Kisame.

"Pein probably had his way with her too much last night," My jaw clenched and Deidara winked at me. "He's here today which means you and I can't have any fun. Too bad, hm."

I snapped, and threw the cocaine from my mouth, struggling to say something. Sasori beat me.

"What the hell is your problem, Deidara?" Sasori yelled, yanking his arm from the blond's waist. Blue eyes blinked, stunned, over to the brown ones. "If you want her so much, why don't you just dump me and go for her!"

Everyone was quiet, especially me as I was watching. My mouth hung open.

Break up? Why? They had always been going out, right? I always turned Deidara down anyway? I just didn't want to sleep with Deidara.

"Danna," Deidara choked out. "It's a joke. A _joke_. Konan and I have had this joke for months, before we started going out, before we starting _hanging out_. She knows I'm not serious. I _love_ you, Sasori, un."

My eyes started blinking rapidly. A joke? I don't even make jokes. And I knew he wasn't serious? I didn't know any of this. And what was Deidara talking about before they started going out? It seemed like they always had.

"Then why the hell would you always make Konan comments that you want to sleep with her IN FRONT OF ME?!" Sasori yelled. A door opened but nobody really paid attention. "It doesn't seem like a fucking joke!"

"What is going on in here?!" Someone asked, loudly. Everyone ignored Pein.

"Konan, un," Deidara turned to me, desperately. "Please tell him it's a joke from health class."

I just stared in shock at Deidara. I couldn't remember health class. I couldn't remember a joke. I BARELY REMEMBERED ANYTHING!

"I'm sorry," I managed to get out. "I don't remember."

Sasori turned his livid gaze to me but my eyes stayed on Deidara. He seemed to deflate.

"Oh, it's okay," He muttered. "It was a few months back. I really didn't mean anything by it, Sasori-Danna. I love you, un."

A few months back? The beer slipped from my hand. That should be easy to remember. Why couldn't I? Health class? Health class. What happened in health class?

A hand grabbed my shoulder.

"Konan, come on," Pein commanded.

Of course, it was that day in health class.

**

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**

_"Okay, class," The teacher demanded from the board. "You're doing good. Keep going over what you've been doing. Just go over the lines to saying 'no' in the scenarios to someone asking you for pre-marital sex."_

_Deidara's laugh rang throughout the room as he turned to me, students talking. I grinned at him, getting blue bangs out of my eyes, laughing myself. His one blue eye twinkled at me._

_"Deidara, if you love me," I stifled my giggling. "Why won't you sleep with me?"_

_"That's the problem, though, un," Deidara snorted from laughing so hard. "I'm quite willing to sleep with you."_

_I clutched my sides from laughing so hard._

_"You're supposed to say NO! Why sleep with someone you don't love?"_

_"And how do you know I don't love you?"_

_I rolled my dark blue eyes, smiling. He was grinning back at me._

_"Didn't you mention some person you met before?"_

_Deidara's eyes soften, as well did his grin, and he stared off to the distance. I nudged him with my foot under the desks we were sitting at._

_"What's the name?"_

_The blond frowned and shrugged his shoulders._

_"Haven't found out yet," He grinned at me before gazing off again. "But he has red hair, brown eyes and shorter than me, un. He's as obsessed with art as much as I am."_

_My smile faded and I looked up to him, confused._

_"He? It's a... guy?" I didn't really understand. I knew Deidara has had girlfriends before but, I think, he was implying... gay? "Are you a... homosexual?"_

_He smiled nervously at to me._

_"No," He replied, stubbornly. I got more confused. "I'm bisexual."_

_I started cracking up as soon as I heard this. I didn't think he was kidding, the face on him was too much when he was describing the guy._

_"Well," I grinned at him. "I hope he likes you back."_

_Deidara smiled at me._

_"Are you sure you don't want to have some fun with me, un?" I started laughing hysterically again._

**

* * *

**

Pein started pulling me up out of my seat. I didn't help him but I didn't object.

Sasori was just staring at Deidara.

"It _was_ a joke," I said, bluntly, looking at Deidara. "I always started laughing and couldn't stop."

Deidara grinned at me and Sasori turned to me. I glanced at him.

"But Deidara was already head over heels for you."

Sasori looked over at the blond, looking guilty.

"I'm sorry," He whispered, kissing him on the cheek. "I love you, too."

Pein started walking me to the other side of the room, holding my up. I couldn't do it by myself.

"But you never told me you already liked me, then," The red head said mischievously.

I stumbled over my feet, thinking in a daze, Pein nearly having to drag me.

_Love._

They LOVED each other! I don't think anyone loved me. Not Pein, that was for sure. We barely talked, no we NEVER talked. It was only about getting me in a bed. _Sex_.

Did my mother love me? I couldn't even remember the last time she told me so. It was always about my father, my brother. Not me. I was the one yelled at, in trouble. I was the one cutting, doing drugs, drinking, sleeping with someone I h-... Someone I hated.

Did she even care? Had she ever cared? My father? We didn't even talk.

A door opened and I was pulled inside. I fell onto a bed, not realizing we were already in a room.

"Konan? Didn't I tell you not to cause trouble?" I heard Pein's voice from far away.

Is that why I slept with Pein? I felt... loved? Because my own my mother didn't love me?

_What_ was I say? Of course she loved.

**

* * *

**

_Peeking over the door of the hospital room, I grinned nervously, watching my mother sitting on a bed. She was already some few months pregnant, stomach bulging over._

_She turned her head, saw me, and smiled widely._

_"Do... they know what it is?" I asked, timidly. She laughed and motioned me over to her._

_I sat down next to her._

_"It's a boy," She whispered and my grin faded. She laughed again. "You wanted a sister, right?"_

_I shrugged._

_"I heard little brothers get annoying," I answered, gloomly._

_She nudged my, dark hair, tinted blue swinging._

_"It's okay," My mother smiled, vaguely. "It won't be a while until he does that."_

**

* * *

**

The buttons on my shirt were starting to be undone and I just laid there, thinking.

She didn't have to say it then that she loved but I could see it. She wasn't always mad at me, yelling, ignoring me. **I** caused this all to happen. And at times, I blamed her, I think, for being such a horrible mother.

**It was all me.**

But why? Why did I let this happen? How could I?

I was happy. I had Deidara as a friend and I had a family. How could I let myself fall apart?

Pein's lips pushed against me skin around my neck and lips, going even farther down.

Why did I let this happen? Why was I always letting Pein have me like this? I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. I couldn't even remember how we met and Kami, now that I think about it, it couldn't have been that long ago.

**

* * *

**

_"So, did you find him, yet?" I asked over to Deidara as we walked left school. Deidara frowned, slightly, knowing who I was talking about._

_"No, but I know he's a sempai in this school, unl."_

_"A sempai?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I just assumed Deidara's crush would be the same age. We both started walking on a sidewalk._

_"Yeah, surprised me too," Deidara commented, grinning at me. "He looked younger."_

_We were quiet silently passed the road, a fence on the other side._

_"Konan, right?" A voice called out. I paused and looked down. A small group of guys were resting along the fence. An orange haired one was standing against the fence, hands in pockets. Two other guys, not looking this way, were on a bench._

_"Um, yeah," I answered, blankly. I glanced over at Deidara who was glancing at me. I shrugged and he whispered something._

_"A classmate from history, name's Pein."_

_"Do you want hang out today?" The guy asked and my eyes narrowed in confusion. the two guys turned our way and Deidara tensed next to me._

_I didn't even know this guy. Why would he be asking me?_

_I opened my mouth to say something to Deidara but stopped when I saw the blond. His eyes were transfixed past Pein. _

_"Well?" The orange haired guy asked impatiently._

_I followed Deidara's eyes to the guys. One had navy blue hair and black eyes, staring at me. His skin seemed almost... blue. The other, I paused myself._

_Red hair, brown eyes, shorter than Deidara._

_I smiled, recognizing the features._

_"Only if my friend can come." I answered, pointing to the male next to me._

**

* * *

**

_"Pein," I mumbled as lips smashed against my neck. Pushing him off my neck slightly, I sat up from the bed. "I'm sorry but I don't think this is a good idea."_

_It a month after he first asked me to hang out. We kissed and everything but this was too much for me._

_"Konan," The orange haired guy muttered. His hand touched my cheek and lips lightly pressed against my own._

_I found myself pushed against the sheets again._

_"It's okay, trust me." _

_I did._

**

* * *

**

Anger filled me.

That was why I sleep with him? Because I trusted him at one time and that was it? I ruined everything because of it.

EVERYTHING.

I hadn't considered myself friends with Deidara in forever. I barely go to school. I hate my family and they probably hate me.

I have no one.

Pein's hands were on my, lips in my mouth.

I didn't want this. I didn't want him with me anymore. I didn't want to be with him. I don't think I ever did.

I gasped as teeth bit my neck.

I wanted this to stop and just end. Everything to just end. I didn't want Pein. I just wanted Pein to...

"STOP!" I screamed, pushing heavily against him.

I heard a thump on the ground and didn't stop at the cry of anger that followed. I started buttoning up my shirt, not bothering if it was correct.

"I HATE YOU, PEIN! JUST STOP TOUCHING ME AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I started running out the door as Pein stood behind me. I didn't bother that I could barely see, I held the wall for support when I needed.

Only Kakuzu, Kisame and Itachi were in the living room as my feet pounded though. I slipped on the worn wooden floor and grabbed the wall.

Everything was my fault. I LET this happen and now all I wanted was out. To just leave everything and go to blackness.

Deidara, HE was the lucky one. He was in love, didn't do drugs, didn't cut himself. He had someone who loved him.

Me. I was the one who was breaking apart.

"Konan-san?" Kisame called out. I spun around, eyes desperate.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I wrenched open the door as he stood up.

"Kisame," Pein called out bitterly. "Go after her and you won't be allowed to come back."

Another door open and Deidara and Sasori walked out but I was already on the steps, dashing home.

I was okay with everything. No, not okay but I managed somehow. But knowing that at one time I was happy, I couldn't go back.

**

* * *

**

My breaths were heaving and choppy as I somehow managed to get home. No body was there but that didn't surprise me. Why would they care about me? I ruined our relationships, not them.

Everything dropped on the floor as I ransacked the medicine cabinet for the blade. Frantically searching. I just wanted it to end and go to that blackness I always dreamed about.

I grabbed the only box left there instead and ripped it open, not bothering what it was.

A small handful of pills fell into it, not nearly as much as I wanted but it would be enough. I swallowed them all.

And then, finally, darkness enclosed me forever.

Nothing to hurt me.

Nothing to break.

**

* * *

**

I groaned as I opened my eyes wearily and shut them quickly as white blinded my eyes.

"She's awake!" Someone far away called out, causing me to wince. I blearily opened my eyes.

_'After all that, I couldn't be...alive? Could I?'_

"Mom?" My throat hurt like hell and it sounded rough.

"Konan?" I heard the same voice weeping. I saw the woman standing above me, blue tinted hair falling from her face. Tears streamed down it and she suddenly grabbed me, hugging me.

Before I realized it, tears started falling down my face as I realized what I had done.

"How? I must have taken 15."

"They were baby aspirin, not as strong as regular aspirin," She cried, holding me. "We managed to get you to the hospital before any damage."

And then I was sobbing uncontrollably.

She_ cared._ After all I did, she cared.

**

* * *

**

"Konan?" My mother asked. I glanced up from the nurse taking my blood pressure. "You have a couple of cards."

I raised an eyebrow and lifted up my free hand. As soon as the nurse was done, I opened one card.

_Konan,_

_It's me, Deidara. Heard you were in the hospital for the crap you were on and other stuff. Hope you get out well soon! You had me really worried when I heard what had happened. I'm trying to get Sasori off the junk, you'll quit too right?_

_Anyway, bye!_

_This is Sasori and get better. You're making Deidara worry too much._

_Sasori-Danna is worried, too!_

_I am not._

Tears slid down slightly as I laughed slightly. I put that card up and opened the next.

_Konan-san,_

_I hope you're doing well and hope you get out of the hospital soon. It's best not to come around Pein, though I doubt I have to tell you, he's pretty pissed. _

_I apologize for not going after you and hope we can talk some time. _

_Get well,_

_Kisame_

I smiled softly and stood up, grabbing my suitcase to leave the hospital. I was going to have to go to a counselor for the drugs they found in my body but that was alright.

Everything would eventually be alright.

* * *

**A/N- So, there it is. Hope you enjoyed it. Sorry, PeinKonan people and you can take this as slight KisameKonan if you want. I'm pretty impartial to both. **


End file.
